It is difficult to raise children on the best days. I somehow thought that perhaps once my kids grew up enough to go to school, things might get a bit easier. I was wrong. Instead I have come to the realization that it is getting (in many ways) much more difficult. And I think a big reason has to do with the introduction of different worldviews into my boys' lines of sight. Suddenly, the way we see things is not the only way, and most times it isn't the best/funnest/easiest way, either.I was really struck by this when we had a classmate over after school a few weeks back. It was so very evident that the structure of his upbringing was vastly different than that of our sons.
On the walk home he asked me if I watch a certain show (a British soap) that I would never ever consider letting my kids watch. He said he watches it all the time with his mom. I was shocked and slightly taken aback. Why would his mom let him watch that kind of show?
But as I thought about it, I realized that this boy, who is like my own in so many ways, is growing up with a completely different set of standards and as a result, he is very different than they are. He has a completely different set of values. A completely different way of viewing the world. Who am I to say it is wrong of his parents to allow him to watch something that has questionable (to me) subject matter? He comes from a family with their own set of standards that are not guided by Scripture. Trying to thrust my standards upon them and then judging them based on those standards is not only a waste of time but a way to alienate me (and my kids) from them.
It is one thing for us to discuss such issues with fellow believers. Once someone has accepted and believes that Jesus died for them and is desiring to follow him, then as brothers and sisters in Christ we are to "exhort one another and build each other up" (which I sometimes think we don't do enough of, but that's another subject that I'll save for another post). But until then, I believe that judging a non-believer's actions based on biblical standards is wrong. I need to love and accept this boy and his mom as they are.
But that doesn't make parenting my boys right now, with their non-believing friends, an easy task. Because just as I desire relationships with their parents, I want my boys to desire real relationships with their classmates. I don't want them to see themselves as somehow less than the other kids, nor do I want them to think themselves better. How do we go about instilling strong ethical principles in our children that are not laced with judgement and/or a feeling that they somehow have it better/worse than others? I feel like I am constantly telling my boys things like: "It doesn't matter that so-and-so does that. That is not something that I want you to do." Or, "just because his mom said it's okay for him, doesn't mean that it is okay for you." I hate it when I say things like that. But I'm not sure what other choice I have.
I want my kids to love as Jesus loved. Sure he was aware of the sin around him, but that didn't stop him from living with and loving those around him. And then change happened in those lives. Jesus' love and forgiveness broke through and changed hearts.
Change my heart, oh God. Help me to love like Jesus.
8 comments:
interesting post. We should chat more about it over tea sometime (while you are sewing too;) ). Thanks for blogging, I enjoyed the read.
Brilliant! (do I sound British??)
Great thoughts on parenting and living in this world as followers of Christ! Thank you for the reminder that we are called to love, not judge (and force our standards on others).
joy, that would be great! i love talking about this kind of stuff.
and thanks, christy. would you like to join us for tea and a chat?
Very good post. When I see your little family I'm reminded of the hope I had when my kids were young. I had this new found wisdom and awareness of God that I was going to impart to them and we were going to live happily ever after. "Train them up in the way they should go.......! I claimed that as a promise and tried my best. I realize now that that is not a promise but just wisdom from the proverbs. Its easy to say not to judge but it is a slippery slope. We judge out of fear because we know how easy it is to start sliding down that slope once we stop standing up for our beliefs and try to fit in a little compromise here and a little there just so our kids will still love us. Before you know it, the kids are rejecting you and the very values or morals you tried to instill in them. For me now it all boils down to I can't but only you can God.
you are an awesome mom...and, i might add, a great writer!
THanks Ang,
Good thoughts to chew on and struggle through. It is so easy to judge, but not our right or responsibility. A definite challenge to teach our kids how to love like Jesus - I guess really a challenge for me to know how to do that too! Love you friend! Tam
Jocelyn: I can only imagine what it's like to have teens. I pray that what me and Jon teach them now will "stick" in their hearts and minds and that they will love and live like Jesus as we, their parents, also try to. It's a strange but cool thing to consider: I will be learning and growing right alongside my sons who are also my brothers in Christ. My prayer is for humility of spirit and a desire for holiness for all 6 of us as we travel this road together. I feel humbled and blessed to have such an opportunity with such amazing guys!
Nicely said Angie! I love reading your posts (and absolutely love the new picture you guys had taken.) Can't wait to see and read more! I hope you're doing fabulously well!
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