Learning to Trust

I've been thinking about trust. What does it really mean to trust someone? And at what point in life does trust develop?

I've heard it said that babies trust their parents. But do they really? I'm not so sure. I think to say they trust their parents implies they recognize that those parents might let them down.

When I am holding a baby or two and things get precarious, as worried as I might be that I could drop one or both of them, they are oblivious. I don't think they are trusting me to keep them from a long and hard tumble to the ground. They can't imagine that I am anything but in complete control. So much so, that they often squirm and make things even more difficult! It's not even a matter of confidence. It's just fact: Mommy is holding me and so we're good!

Saying that, though, I think that Jesse and Matty, now 15 months old, are beginning to learn trust. Up until rather recently, when I would quickly run upstairs to grab the laundry basket or to go pee and I left them locked downstairs I knew they were okay because I could hear them crying. They would follow me to the stairs and looked longingly up through the mesh of the gate as they cried. I wonder what they were thinking? Were they worried that I was gone for good? Or just mad that I didn't take them up with me?

Lately, though, they still often end up following me to the bottom of the stairs when I make my mad dash. But instead of crying, I can hear them talking or playing with the toys that they brought along. If I wait long enough, I might hear Matty calling for me or Jesse yelling at me (yep, they are 2 very different boys!). When I head down the stairs and they catch sight of me, Jesse will give me his goofy grin and maybe say "hi" before heading back to play. On the other hand, Matty often gives me a very sad look and starts to cry, letting me know that he was not impressed with my decision to leave him. But it is completely different than it used to be when those cries really seemed to imply that neither of them thought I was ever coming back. Me reappearing seemed as much of a surprise as me leaving them was.

Yeah, yeah. Object permanence, blah, blah, blah. But do you see what I'm getting at? I think they are learning about trust and learning to trust me.

The crappy thing is that I will let them down. It's only a matter of time before I drop them in one way or another. I already have! How many times have I said or done something that has been the opposite of what Elijah and/or Brady expected? Or the opposite of what I told them I would do? And still they love me. And forgive me. And trust me. What a blessing and a challenge it is to raise kids!